The Emperor and the Knightess - Chapter 156

“Marquess Winter, I am really sorry. I never told anyone about how I really felt because I couldn’t, but yesterday… I felt like I could and I did. I felt like I needed to! But my feelings are my problems, but yours… I know that…”

The things she could never tell anyone… Rebecca’s words stopped Poliana and made her think. What Lady Rebecca told her yesterday was shocking. No one in this kingdom would dare to tell something like that to Poliana. In fact, no one in the kingdom would ever think like Lady Rebecca.

The majority of Poliana’s closest acquaintances were male; her friends, colleagues, and the emperor, of course. She was politely acquainted with any different women as well, such as noble ladies, maids, and the wives of the emperor, but she wasn’t as close to them.

Only those stuck behind the wall could think the way Lady Rebecca did. Those free from the wall would never understand it. If Poliana walked out of the room now, Lady Rebecca would never bring up this subject again. Poliana’s life would return to normal.

Poliana remembered what Rebecca said to her. She said that of all the emperor’s wives, Stra liked her the most. When Poliana visited her, Stra smiled so brightly at her. There must’ve been other noble ladies, some even from her own homeland, who visited her, but Stra seemed to be the happiest when Poliana visited her. It was probably because Stra believed that Poliana could understand how she felt. The sadness and devastation… Stra must’ve believed that Poliana would sympathize with her.

What Rebecca said to her was a shockingly new concept, but there were countless new ideas in this world and Poliana was not obligated to listen to every one of them. It was just one woman’s words.

Just one woman’s thoughts.

But a woman’s thought was the thoughts of a mother. One woman’s words were the words of a grandmother. Every woman was someone’s daughter, sister, mother, and grandmother. So why would they say that mother knows best, yet people shouldn’t listen to women? What a stupid contradiction.

So, Poliana finally decided that she would listen to everything Rebecca wanted to say. She would listen to all of it. The words Rebecca couldn’t say to anyone… The words she ended up blurting out only to Poliana…

‘I will hear her out.’

When Poliana sat down again on the chair, Rebecca finally looked calm. Rebecca took a deep breath, trying to organize her thoughts. There were so many feelings she felt right now. Last night after ranting at Poliana, Rebeca regretted what she did. She couldn’t sleep at all and because of the fever, she felt confused as well. And most of all… Rebecca hated herself.

Self-hatred…

This was how the long rant began last night. It was a huge mistake, so Rebecca kept her mouth closed. When she saw that Poliana was ready to listen, Rebecca realized that this was what she needed.

Lady Rebecca needed someone who was willing to listen to her.

When Rebecca heard that Stra was pregnant, Rebeca said to her maids, “What wonderful news.” Rebecca smiled brightly at the time like she was genuinely happy even though she wasn’t feeling well. Her maids asked her curiously, “Aren’t you jealous, Lady Rebecca?”

“But this is his highness’s baby we are talking about. Of course, we should all be happy!”

The maids were impressed at how kind and selfless Rebecca was being even though her rival wife got pregnant first. Lucius the First was still young and healthy, but he didn’t have an heir. Stra’s pregnancy was definitely something that everyone should rejoice.

Pregnancy was something to be celebrated no matter what. A baby should always be welcomed to this world. Even if the baby was to be born between her own husband and another woman, she had to celebrate this event. This was how she was taught. This was what society expected of her.

The doctors were treating Rebecca, who had a fever, but as soon as they heard about the news, they left her to go examine Stra. Since it was about her pregnancy, only a gynecologist was needed to see her, yet everyone left Rebecca to go see Stra.

Rebecca understood something at that moment, she knew that there was nothing to be done. The emperor’s heir was always going to be more important than his wives. A pregnant wife was going to be always more important than a fragile sickly wife.

It was how this world worked, and Rebecca wasn’t allowed to complain about small things like this.

Alone in her bed, feeling weak and ill, Rebecca thought to herself that this was why every woman needed to have children, especially sons. Daughters were useless. A mother could afford the luxury of enjoying having a daughter only after she bore a healthy male heir.

And suddenly, Rebecca realized that she was becoming her mother. She was thinking about the same things as her own mother. Was this how every daughter grew up to be a mother? Rebecca herself was a woman, and yet she was thinking that daughters were unnecessary. She felt a little frightened by her thoughts, but she ignored her feelings.

When Rebecca heard that it was just a phantom pregnancy, she felt sad for Stra. How desperate Stra must’ve been to imagine herself pregnant? Rebecca could sympathize with her because she was in the same situation. The same thing could easily happen to her too and if it did, Stra would’ve sympathized with Rebecca.

And just as Rebecca felt, Stra would’ve felt relieved that it was only a phantom pregnancy.

The truth was… Rebecca couldn’t feel a genuine sense of happiness when she heard Stra was pregnant. And she was immensely relieved when she found out Stra wasn’t really pregnant. Rebecca hated herself for feeling this way and it was then when Poliana visited her.

Poliana came to see Rebecca to keep her company, and Rebecca was jealous of her. Poliana probably was genuinely happy when she heard Stra’s pregnancy. Poliana also probably didn’t feel an ugly feeling like relief when she heard it was just a phantom pregnancy. Poliana probably even went to console Stra with genuine sympathy.

Then, after seeing how Poliana reacted, Rebecca realized the shocking truth. It was obvious that Poliana didn’t think much of what happened to Stra. In fact, Poliana clearly thought Stra was overreacting and being too emotional.

‘But this isn’t right…’

It made sense that Rebecca would have these ugly feelings because she was not a good person. She hid her true feelings very well while someone like Stra was a truly kind person. This was why Rebecca wanted Poliana to sympathize with her.

Feeling frustrated and confused, Rebecca ended up going on and on yesterday when Poliana visited her. Her thoughts were disorganized and she wasn’t used to speaking her mind.

A woman was supposed to be an obedient being. Rebecca told Poliana that she was acting like a man, not a woman, but the truth was… It was Rebecca who did not see Poliana as a woman.

Poliana thought Rebecca was done talking finally, but she continued, “So I ended up saying something stupid to you…”